12 Things You Probably Don’t Know About Emetophobia

The chances are, unless you have it or someone close to you does, you won’t know that emetophobia is the extreme and irrational fear of vomit. Let’s be clear, it’s not just an ‘aversion’ to throwing up, its far worse than that. A phobia has the ability to take over your life, to tinge nearly every thought you have with fear and anxiety. Sufferers often feel a lot of embarrassment about their illness and go to great lengths to conceal it. Over the years I’ve learned that actually, the more people who know about my problem, the safer, happier and calmer I am. The more I openly acknowledge and express that side of me, the more I am able to reconcile it with the funny, smart, outgoing and warm person that I am, instead of feeling like I’m just a ‘neurotic nutjob’ with a humiliating secret. I am a person with a mental illness, and there’s no shame in that.

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Anyway, I thought I would share a list of thoughts, experiences and behaviours that are typical for emetophobic people. Every emetophobic person is different, so please don’t assume that this is all true for all of us. I have experience with some, but not all of these examples, and have chosen not to specify which ones I have direct experience with, and which ones I have learned about through other sufferers. If you’re looking to understand this illness better, for a friend, partner or family member, I hope this list will help you. However, please be aware that I am a sufferer, not a professional, and this is a personal account. For information from a qualified professional, click here.

Content note to my emetophobic pals: For the sake of clear communication, I have used nearly every trigger word there is in this post, and obviously I am discussing our phobia in depth, which could also be triggering. There are images in this post, but none of them relate to illness. 

12 Things You Probably Don’t Know About Emetophobia

1. We probably had a traumatic event involving vomit at some point in our lives. This will be the trigger for the phobia, and it can influence exactly what it is about vomit that we fear.

2. Some people are made phenomenally anxious by hearing words and phrases like ‘vomit’, ‘puke’, ‘food poisoning’, ‘nausea’. This creates an added stress that makes social interactions even more anxiety inducing.

3. Different emetophobics fear different things. Some fear themselves throwing up, some fear other people throwing up. Some people are fine with other people being sick as long as they know they can’t catch it. Some people have an extraordinary amount of anxiety about vomit but when they’re exposed to it, they cope perfectly well (and many others do not react this way at all).

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4. We often restrict and closely control what, when and how we eat. This can range from starving ourselves when we fear being sick, to obsessively eating healthy foods to avoid it, and never eating out or at other people’s houses. Eating disorders or disordered eating are common misdiagnoses of emetophobia as the behaviours are so similar. Whether or not it’s helpful to be diagnosed with both has not been established.

5. We are also rarely heavy drinkers, and many emetophobic people are completely teetotal as well. Pressuring an emetophobic person to drink or do drugs can result in them experiencing a massive amount of anxiety too – yet another example of the evils of peer pressure.

6. During winter in particular, we can show symptoms similar to agoraphobia (the fear of leaving one’s safe space) because we are worried about catching bugs. The reason it’s worse in winter? Norovirus. For many emetophobes, the winter months are plagued by the relentless stories of vomiting outbreaks in schools, hospitals and local communities. It can be utterly unbearable.

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7. Rashes, dryness and even nerve damage are par for the course if you’re the skin on an emetophobic’s hands. Most emetophobes engage in excessive hand washing, overuse of hand gels, using too-hot water to wash with and even going so far as to pour surface cleaners over our skin in a bid to eliminate germs. This, combined with washing utensils, surfaces, door handles, phones, everything, is why emetophobics are also often misdiagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

7. Our anxiety can get pretty amazingly bad, and it goes from 0-60 in no time at all. Often, all you need to say is ‘I don’t feel good’ or ‘I think that milk I used in your tea was sour’ and we’re off. It’s a horrible feeling that frequently comes out of absolutely nowhere, and it’s really, really hard to come back from. Self-soothing techniques are incredibly hard to learn, especially since it’s a poorly understood illness, so it’ll often go on for a day or more, particularly if we aren’t lucky enough to have someone in our lives who knows what not to say, or how to comfort us.

8. Because of this and the lack of medical knowledge (and therefore poor access to help) about emetophobia, many people end up developing unhelpful coping techniques. I’ve already mentioned a lot of them above (food restrictions, hand washing etc) but other ones include drinking grape juice or taking activated charcoal when they feel they’ve been exposed to a sickness bug, or drinking alcoholic or extremely hot drinks to try and kill germs in our stomachs.

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9. We are also aware of the absurdity of many of the things we do – believe me, it never needs to be pointed out, unless you’re extremely close to the emetophobic person, you have a good understanding of mental health in general and you know what their triggers are.

10. Close encounters with vomit can actually leave emetophobics severely traumatised, so it’s important never to assume that we’ll be ‘cured’ if we throw up, or watch someone else throw up. Life happens of course, and most of us do accept that it’ll feature in our lives at some point. We just prefer not to talk, or think about it.

11. Some emetophobics are unable to live the life they want, be it not travelling, not having kids (for women especially due to the amount of vomit that tends to be involved in a typical pregnancy) or not having the social life they may have enjoyed otherwise.

12. This all being said, many of us do manage to develop amazing control over our panic attacks, tortuous anxiety and obsessive behaviours. Personally, I know that I am still very unwell, but I’ve overcome a lot of the things on this list through years of constant hard work. I know I have definitely not suffered as much as many other people with the disorder, but I have been through periods where I was really, really struggling to cope.

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I hope this list has been informative for you, and that you are able to understand how someone can live with this and still be a worthwhile, valued member of society, who is worthy of your patience, kindness and love.

If you want to learn more about emetophobia from a professional, click here, and if you need urgent help, click here to visit mind.org.uk.

 

 

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Spring Skincare Favourites

While I don’t believe in changing your body in preparation for warmer months, I do think there’s a lot we can do with our skin. In colder weather the skin can wind up dull, dry, lifeless and clogged, and unfortunately it’s often ignored because full coverage foundation and concealer are much easier to slather on in 7am half-darkness while you’re still basically asleep (this is how I spend my winter mornings, don’t know about you). I get a red nose in cold weather too, so there’s no point even thinking about going foundation free! In the spring, all I ever want to do is take a layer of makeup out of my routine, but to do that and feel confident, I need radiant, smooth and soft skin. Over the past few months I’ve been using some amazing products that have renewed and rejuvenated my complexion, so I wanted to share!

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The first product I wanted to talk about is Caudalie’s new Vine[Activ] Glow Activating Anti-Wrinkle Serum. This serum contains a complex of four anti-oxidants that increase your skin’s ability to product anti-oxidant enzymes by 255%, thereby helping protect the skin from pollution and stress. which for someone who works in central London, doesn’t sleep very well and is stressed all the time, is an absolute lifesaver. I’ve been using this for four months (one bottle lasted 2.5) and I have never seen a product work such wonders on my skin – it literally glows from the inside out, as well as being super hydrated, calm and smooth. It absorbs immediately, smells gorgeous and is 98% natural. It’s oil and silicone free, contains an exclusive anti-oxidant patent created by Caudalie, and is just about the highest quality product I’ve ever used. Get it for £36.

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Next up is Aesop’s Parsley Seed Cleanser. I adore this thick, gel cleanser and it’s gentle exfoliation from lactic acid. It leaves my skin soft and ready to absorb my skincare. I’ve been using it for quite some time now and it is honestly the best cleanser ever for helping to boost your skin into ‘only wearing BB cream’ territory. If you’re worried about pollution, using this together with the Caudalie Vine[Activ] Serum is the absolute dream team, because the Aesop Parsley Seed Cleanser helps to slough pollution particles away from the skin at the end of the day, while the serum defends your skin from the free-radicals during the day. Get it for £27.

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I feel like I’ve been looking for a BB Cream that won’t make my skin react or break out since the beginning of time. The Bobbi Brown BB Cream is the only one I’ve found that has a good SPF without containing any of the ingredients that my skin hates, and I absolutely love it. It’s so important to use an SPF everyday, so if you want to use a lighter product than your usual foundation and you have sensitive skin, this is PERFECT. The formula gives much higher coverage than I expected, and I feel like it evens out my complexion flawlessly – obviously it doesn’t cover blemishes completely, but I actually don’t feel the need to use concealer under my eyes, which is a bloody miracle. The coverage lasts all day and my skin feels nice and soft when I use this too. They have 9 shades and definitely don’t serve the darkest skin colours, so I wouldn’t usually recommend it, but my skin is SO picky and this really works for me. Get it for £29.50.

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Pixi’s Makeup Fixing Mist has become my favourite part of my morning ritual. It’s gorgeous light scent and fast-drying, refreshing consistency is absolutely perfect for perking my face and my mind up. I feel like it puts me in a positive mood whenever I use it, and it helps my makeup stay put ALL day. Seriously, it’s soooo good. My skin also loves it as a primer to help prepare for a full coverage face, but recently I’ve just been using it over the Bobbi Brown BB Cream and it’s leaving my skin looking smooth and radiant every day. Get it for £16.

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The last product I’ve been obsessed with over the past few months is Jurlique’s Skin Balancing Face Oil. This stuff is perfect for when your skin is just losing its mind, which always happens to me at the change of the seasons. It contains a blend of herbal extracts including marshmallow (protects and soothes), evening primrose oil (heals), macademia oil (nourishes without being heavy) rosehip oil (anti-wrinkle, healing) and chamomile (calming). I find that when I use this at night, dry patches and areas of irritation disappear. The scent of this product is absolutely unbelievable, it smells like a fragrant meadow in the sun, which just makes it even more perfect for use in the warmer months! It might not be suitable for hypersensitive skin types though, as it’s heavy on the essential oils. But I absolutely adore it. Get it for £30.50

What are your spring skincare essentials?

Homemade face masks with Latin Honey

Honey has been a beauty product pretty much since humans first learned how to harvest it. It’s anti-bacterial properties are well known, and is the reason that raw honey never actually goes off. This means it helps to reduce blemishes by eliminating bacteria, and it also helps to soothe irritation in some people because it purifies the skin without stripping it of natural oils. It also has some anti-inflammatory properties, and as if that wasn’t enough, honey is also moisturising, which makes it great for both the skin and hair.

I’ve never actually tried using honey in skincare so when Latin Honey invited me to try out their honey with a beauty perspective I was intrigued. Their honey is raw, organic, single origin South American honey and let me tell you before we begin that it is the best tasting honey I have ever tried. Raw honey is far more nutritious than pasturised honey as it contains enzymes that are apparently good for digestion, as well as some antioxidants.

But what does it do for the skin?

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My partner and I have very different skin types so we both had a go. Firstly I tried the Riviera Gum Honey* as a hair mask. I mixed it with shea butter and coconut oil, and applied it all over the front section of my hair. This part is very brittle, so it dries out and frizzes up much quicker than the rest of my hair. After I applied this mask and left it on for half an hour, it definitely felt different. The honey created a barrier to hydrate and to keep the oils in, and I’m absolutely certain that this mask repaired damage to my hair. It was very sticky and took a while to wash out, but my hair has been softer ever since.

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Then we tried the Volcano Sunflower Honey* as plain face masks – and this was amazing for me. After leaving it on for 10 minutes and rinsing with warm water my skin was so soft and smooth, with no sign of irritation or redness. In fact, some of the redness I already had was reduced, thanks to those anti-inflammatory properties! Some blemishes I had very quickly reduced afterwards too. I was really impressed that my sensitive skin looked so calm after using honey on it. I will definitely continue to use the honey this way, as I can’t quite believe how soft my skin was! It’s also worth nothing that because they’re raw, these honeys can be used to exfoliate thanks to the slight crystalisation that naturally happens in storage. I felt the granules when I was washing it off and it was very gentle, but definitely contributed to the smooth feeling.

For my partner, who has very oily, blemish prone and congested skin, we tried something a little more intense, and squeezed half a lemon into the honey before he applied it. The effect was amazing. His skin was much more radiant, mattified and super soft without being oily at all when he washed it off.

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We were so impressed by the honey’s effectiveness on its own. But of course we had to experiment, and we also discovered the best beard scrub of all time: mix a tablespoon or two of honey into roughly blended oats, and massage into the beard. This not only purifies the skin underneath facial hair by eliminating bacteria lurking there, it also softens the skin and hair, AND gets rid of dead skin buildup, allowing the hair to grow healthily. I think this could also be used as a really luxurious body scrub too, but I have so many scrubs to use up I haven’t gotten around to trying that yet!

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I am amazed by the quality of Latin Honey, they taste incredible, and the effect on my skin and hair is really impressive. By using a raw, organic honey as a face or hair mask, whether combined with ingredients or not, you’re also benefitting from using simple, pure skincare that you know is safe enough to eat – and when those kinds of products are actually effective, it’s definitely a good idea to give it a whirl! Latin Honey have a selection of four honeys which all look amazing, but here are the two that I’ve tried:

Volcano Sunflower Honey from Mexico: Tastes fruity and floral – this is amazing on toast. This is the honey I’ve used for face masks, which have left both my and my partner’s skin smooth, radiant and purified.

Rivera Gum Honey from Uruguay: Tastes buttery and toffee-like. I love eating this on porridge. It’s also apparently good for dandruff so this is the one I used this on my hair, and was very impressed with how soft my hair ended up.

Have you used honey in your beauty routine before?

Reviewing my entire lip collection

I own a lot of lip products, and when I thought about reviewing them all I had to roll my eyes. There’s only so much you can say about a lipstick, so I thought, why not just review all of them at the same time?! I’ll be honest, this is a long one. But if you like your lipsticks I hope you’ll enjoy reading about what I think of all mine! I’ve separated this into matte lips, lipsticks (+ lip stains) and glosses. Just an FYI, my ultimate favourite is the very last one 😉 enjoy!

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Matte Lips

Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick – Lolita (£17)*

I like the way this looks on my lips and it goes on really easily, but I have to say I don’t find that it lasts very long. It comes off the second I take a bite of food or drink anything. The colour is amazing and it’s not as drying as some liquid lipsticks, but I don’t think it deserves cult status when it comes off so easily.

Would I buy it if I hadn’t been gifted it? Maybe, but I would try a different colour – despite being the ‘cult’ shade I don’t 100% love Lolita.

Sleek Matte Me Lip Cream – Bittersweet (£4.99)

So insanely, unbearably drying. I cannot stand this stuff. It looks amazing when I first apply it but in a few minutes my lips are sticky, wrinkled and so tight they practically itch. Unsurprisingly, it has great staying power, but it feels like wearing PVA glue with some pigment in it.

Would I buy it again? No. It’s too drying and very uncomfortable, and makes my lips extremely wrinkly.

NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream – Ibiza (£6)

The formula of this is amazing, super pigmented and goes on really smooth, but I don’t really like this colour – too vibrant for me, as I spend all my time at work! I bought this one thinking it was a pretty pink but wasn’t too bright, but on the lips it’s very intense. It’s really hydrating and long lasting, so it’s a shame I bought the wrong colour.

Would I buy it again? Yes, but in a more natural looking colour.

Collection Velvet Kiss – Cotton Candy (£2.99)*

I am absolutely in love with this stuff! This is the prettiest shade and my absolute favourite matte lip. It’s gorgeous, lasts for AGES and is really hydrating too! It’s really easy to apply as well, which a matte lip ought to be if it possibly can. It’s the cheapest product I think I’ve ever tried but oh my god it’s so good. This shade is perfect for my skin tone, however, I don’t think the other shades are as good, they can get a little streaky.

Would I buy it if I hadn’t been gifted it? Definitely, I will repurchase this forever.

Lord & Berry 20100 Maxi Matte Crayon Lipstick – Intimacy (£12)

I like this one, it’s a sample size so is very portable. The colour is lovely, it’s not very drying and it goes on easily. It’s not very hydrating but in comparison to liquid matte lips there’s nothing to complain about. However, it doesn’t really blow me away and I prefer the formula of the next one…

Would I buy it? Probably not, see below.

No7 Matte Lip Crayon – Raspberry Wine (£9)

This was a gift with purchase from Boots. We went out one day and I absentmindedly put this on. When we got back I looked in the mirror and was like ‘damn I look goooood’ and realised that this lip crayon had not only stayed on all day, it had kept my lips hydrated whilst still looking matte. It’s easier to apply than the Lord & Berry stuff and it’s really affordable, and very comfortable.

Would I buy it? Yes! I really like this stuff.

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Lipsticks and Lip Stains

Burt’s Bees Lipstick – Blush (£9.99)

Ohhhh I love this so much. Like, SO much. It’s the prettiest colour, so hydrating, natural and long lasting. It goes on smooth, the blush pink suits me perfectly and I cannot get enough of it. I wear it so often and feel like it makes my face look brighter and more awake.

Would I buy it? God yes, I will definitely be getting this one when it runs out.

Benefit Benetint, Posietint, Benebalm and Posiebalm (£24.50 & £15.50)

I got all these in a gift set together which was great, because I had been wanting to try the Benetint and Posiebalm (wasn’t too bothered about the Benebalm or Posietint but it worked out as half of it being free so…). I really like the Posiebalm, it gives a cute, subtle colour and is very moisturising. The pigment has a tendency to flake a bit when you wear and reapply all day, which is annoying, but I think that only happens when my lips are super dry. The Posietint is a waste of time for me, but my lips are very dark – I should try it as a blush but I really don’t trust cheek stains because I do my makeup in the morning with about three minutes to spare and I always think that stains are a risk when you don’t have a margin for error. I really like the Benetint, it’s subtle but very pretty, and I was surprised by how much I liked the Benebalm too – together, they look really lovely. I think you need to use the Benefit tints with a balm, because they leave my lips feeling very strange if I don’t apply something over the top.

Would I buy it again? I think I would buy the Posietint again, but I’m not 100% obsessed with it.

Tony Moly Delight Tony Tint – 02 (£8.80)

I bought this to try the really cute ‘ombre lip’ trend from Korea, and thought a lip tint from there would be the perfect product. Unfortunately it doesn’t really work for that as it goes super patchy, but when used all over the lips it’s a really striking colour. Like, really striking, I think I could use it in a vampire costume!

Would I buy it again? I don’t have much call to use it because it’s soooo bright, so I don’t really think I’ll need to repurchase any time soon!

Benefit They’re Real Double The Lip – Lusty Rose (£16.50)

The idea of this product is that it lines your lips and colours them in at the same time, making them look really full. Perhaps I got the wrong shade for my lips because I look like a flight attendant from the 90’s wearing this, the contrast is so stark between the two colours. It actually looks like I’m only wearing lipliner. I smudge it up and it and it looks better like that, but what’s the point in buying a whole product for that? It goes on very easily and the line is super even (which never happens for me when I try real lip liner!). I have super full lips anyway so I have no idea if I don’t like it because I don’t actually need it.

Would I buy it? No, but if you’re someone who likes to line their lips a different colour to make them look bigger, this would save you a lot of time in the mornings.

Elizabeth Arden Ceramide Ultra Lipstick – Rose (£21)

My boyfriend got this for free along with a load of other bits when he bought a tonne of Elizabeth Arden Cleansers for himself, so naturally I got the pile of free stuff. This formula is amazing, it’s SO hydrating and nourishing. It feels like a rich lipbalm but is intensely pigmented and doesn’t run. The only issue is the shade – it’s a very old-fashioned plum colour but with family large glitter particles in it. I simply can’t wear it which is such a shame because my lips love it!

Would I buy it? Definitely, but in a different shade.

Lipstick Queen – Frog Prince (£22)

One of my favourite lip products, I love the natural tint it gives and it’s always fun to put on a green lipstick. I also find it very moisturising. I think this lipstick is universally flattering too, which is a definite bonus, and it goes with every makeup look imaginable, because it just gives your lips a full, subtly glossy ‘just bitten’ look.

Would I buy again? Hell yeah, I love love love this stuff.

Lipstick Queen – Hello Sailor (£22)

The weirder sister of Frog Prince, this is a blue lipstick that goes on as a ‘berry’ shade. I like the colour, but you have to be careful to blend it in because otherwise you end up with blue smears on your lips. When you successfully apply it, you get a subtle dark tint, and again, this is nice and moisturising.

Would I buy again? No, because there are other dark berry/moody lip colours to try and I don’t think it’s that special. I still enjoy using it though, definitely not a purchase I regret.

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Glosses

Lancome Juicy Shaker – Meli Melon (£19.50)

Bleurghhhhhh this is horrible. It smells of that watermelon fragrance that was in everything in the 90s, but I mean exactly like that, not a modern, bearable reinterpretation. It doesn’t give much hydration, the colour doesn’t show but the sheen is quite pretty. To be honest, I get exactly the same sheen from my coconut oil lip balm which costs £4, actually moisturises and smells bearable.

Would I buy it? Absolutely not, you couldn’t pay me to use this again.

Charlotte Tilbury Lip Lustre – Blondie (£16.50)*

This is a golden gloss that gives a classic shimmer. It reminds me a lot of the glosses you would get in the 90’s, but it’s very pleasant to use and I actually think it’s really pretty and surprisingly modern (despite my concerns, it doesn’t actually look like you fished an old glitter gloss from when you were 9 out the back of a drawer in your childhood bedroom). I find myself wearing it more often than I thought I would, and it hydrates my lips fairly well (though considering it’s a gloss, it could be better).

Would I buy it if I hadn’t been gifted it? Probably not, I only wear it because I have it and I don’t think I’ll miss it.

NYX Intense Butter Gloss – Peaches and Cream (£6)*

I have two of these, one bright red and this candy pink colour. The bright red one is quite easy to apply and gives very nice colour although it’s just way too bright for me to wear, and the pink one has a very streaky formula that just won’t apply evenly on my lips, so I can’t wear it at all! They are very hydrating and extremely glossy, but they’re just too much for me.

Would I buy it if I hadn’t been gifted it? Probably not, I am not bold enough.

Zoeva Pure Laquer Lips – Strong Career (£9.99)*

This is quite an incredible product – it’s as highly pigmented as Sleek Matte Me but GLOSSY AF. It’s actually too pigmented I think, because the formula doesn’t dry or set, it transfers way too easily. If you’re not careful it can literally smudge over everything so you really have to be careful not to let your lips touch a thing. However, for a selfie session, it’s great fun and I love this brown shade.

Would I buy it if I hadn’t been gifted it? No, but I actually really like it, it’s just not practical for me.

Perricone MD No Lipgloss Lipgloss (£25)*

I saved the best ’til last here folks. This is possibly my favourite lip product of all time. It feels GORGEOUS. It looks INCREDIBLE. My lips stay soft all day. It lasts for at least half the day which is insane for a gloss. It applies perfectly, the pigmentation and colour are absolutely beautiful and it doesn’t transfer.

Would I buy it if I hadn’t been gifted it? YES. FOREVER AND EVER. I don’t care that this stuff it stupidly expensive, it’s the nicest lip product ever.

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Collection Velvet Kiss – Cotton Candy (£2.99), No7 Matte Lip Crayon – Raspberry Wine (£9), Burt’s Bees Lipstick – Blush (£9.99)Lipstick Queen – Frog Prince (£22), Perricone MD No Lipgloss Lipgloss (£25)

Here’s a final picture just to recap my favourites! I hope you enjoyed this post. It’s interesting to see how many misses there have been, but I really do love putting some of these products on in the morning Let me know your favourite (or least favourite!) lip products in your collection!

12 Things men want women to know about sex – the feminist version!

Last week I went to a brilliant panel discussion by the Scarlet Ladies – it was called ‘Grill the Guys’ and was an opportunity for an audience of women to ask 6 guys with diverse sexual backgrounds any questions they wanted to about sex and relationships. It was really interesting to hear so many men talking about sex openly. Even people who have male sexual partners only generally get to talk to a few of them in depth, so this was phenomenally informative. My own partner was really interested in the points I came back with, so I thought I would share some of the best gems of knowledge from the evening, interspersed with some ideas my partner would like to share as well.

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A quick note: I found the event to be quite cis-heteronormative, for example the term ‘sex’ was often used to describe p-in-v penetration, with other forms of sex described as ‘foreplay’. I wasn’t sure about this so I’ve edited some snippets from the talk, however I recognise that people talking in depth about the kind of sex they have do need to rely on their own terminology.  As a group, the Scarlet Ladies welcome all women, so I don’t think this reflects on them, it was simply the nature of this particular talk.

12 Things men want you to know about sex:

1. A man can be really, super, ridiculously aroused but still unable to get it up. Sometimes it just isn’t happening and it can be for hundreds of different reasons. Since men are encouraged to push their feelings away, there might be something bothering them that they aren’t aware of. Or it might be something far more benign. Talking never hurt anyone so be nice, understanding, and encourage them to share their thoughts!

2. Similarly, it’s also true that sometimes penetration just doesn’t feel good for women. Don’t feel obligated to go ahead; communicate it with your partner and have sex some other way if you still want to. Be patient obviously; some of them might not be familiar with the fact that a woman is sometimes just unable to take a dick!

3. It’s very difficult to understand exactly what something feels like when you don’t have the same sexual equipment. This is why men can have a hard time with the clitoris, even when they’re genuinely trying, and this is why communication (and demonstration) is essential.

4. However, the pleasurable feelings that men and women experience are actually very similar (after all, they’re made from exactly the same stuff). By communicating the actual sensations you’re experiencing, you might be able to understand one another’s pleasure even better.

5. It’s easier for men to be lazy about sex because of how their orgasms are achieved. Encourage your male partners to explore the different responses of both your bodies, not just yours. Once they understand how their own body responds to different things, they will be able to better understand yours as well.

6. Embrace the fact that the way they touch you feels different to the way you touch yourself, and the way you touch them is different to the way they do it too. It’s not a bad thing; you can touch each other in ways its physically impossible to touch yourself – so embrace the differences and enjoy them.

7. That being said, for a lot of men there’s nothing sexier than watching their partner touch herself.

8. Sex isn’t just penetration – some people enjoy extraordinarily satisfying sex lives without ever putting anything in anyone else. Don’t limit yourself by considering penetration as the end game, and don’t let male partners limit your sexual experience  by doing this either.

9. If you can’t orgasm with your partner and you genuinely don’t mind …explain it to him. He has absolutely no right to be fragile about it. You have every right to expect the sex you want to have. Your orgasm isn’t for his gratification.

10. Most of the time, great sex is not beautiful sex.

11. Period sex is great – you don’t deserve to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Don’t be shy about asserting your desire to have period sex.

12. Neither party should ever assume that penetration a certainty. Even if you’re naked, in bed and kissing.

Alix Fox, the host of the discussion I attended, summed it up perfectly at the end; “There’s no right or wrong way to have sex and the most important thing is that everyone involved has a good time.” I’m really grateful to her, and the panel of men including Exhibit A, Master Dominic and Paul Thomas Bell for their time and insights!

The Scarlet Ladies is a fantastic member’s club that are working to dispel the shame and silence around women’s sexuality, enabling women to open up to themselves and their partners. They hold talks twice a month and I really recommend you check them out!

 

 

 

Transphobia in feminism: where did our empathy go?!

The hostility towards trans women that we are seeing from well respected feminists at the moment it utterly horrifying. I am especially disheartened to see it coming from the UK – a country that I have always thought to be fairly decent with trans rights. This lack of empathy for trans women, and the reluctance to fully embrace and support them because of their past is absolutely disgusting. As a cis woman I definitely haven’t been vigilant enough about the rebirth of terfism in feminism, so here are a few thoughts.

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The idea seems to be that trans women have ‘benefitted from living as men’ and therefore enjoyed all kinds of privileges that cis women never experience. Apparently being born with a penis means you automatically have it easier than people born with vaginas. Seriously? You actually have no idea in what ways a trans woman may have experienced life while presenting as male. She may have actually had to fight every single day to get out of bed and face the world in an existence she found humiliating. Maybe it’s true she could walk home at night without feeling afraid before she transitioned. But instead she had to be afraid of other things, like losing her family and friends or the threat of transphobic violence. PERHAPS while people listened to her and took her seriously as they would do a man, she wasn’t able to benefit from it because inside she feels like a black hole opens up inside her when she’s called ‘Mr’ or ‘Sir’. Yes, men didn’t leer at her in bars or talk over her in meetings. But what kind of empathy-less jerk do you have to be to think that dealing Gender Dysphoria is ‘better’ or ‘easier’ than experiencing sexism, especially since trans women experience sexism after they transition anyway!? Also, why do people even assume that these women experienced male privilege? Because many of them actually don’t, thanks to their feminine nature (aka the fact that they are women and obviously so).

And WHY does it have to be a competition?

Maybe some of her ideas about being a woman don’t sit in line with yours. But she’s newer to it than you and no one taught her to be a woman like they did with you. Being a woman is horrendously complicated, we have to process every message about how we should be, how we should act, what we should want, and align that with who we actually are as people. I’ve had 27 years to do that, and to do it openly, and it’s still difficult. I cannot fathom how hard it must be for trans women and I can’t imagine feeling hostility towards them simply because one time I heard a trans woman repeat something sexist (because HOW many times have I heard cis women say sexist shit? COUNTLESS TIMES). What do these transphobic fake feminists think is going to happen? Accepting trans women isn’t going to lead to defunding of prenatal care or contraception just because they don’t need it. We aren’t going to suddenly stop being allowed to talk about sanitary towels. This is ridiculous (and very, VERY selfish) thinking. And it’s SO reminiscent of the way men reacted when women fought for the vote, and the way many British people talk about immigrants today. It’s prejudice born from selfishness and ignorance.

Women need to work together as a cohesive team who support and listen to one another. Trans women should unequivocally be welcome in all female spaces and we should stop obsessing over the fact that they are ‘different’. I’m different from you as well. It doesn’t matter. Some women have HPV. Some have endometriosis. Some have penises. Some are black. Some are white. Some are fat. Some are thin. Some can’t use their legs. We all have different needs that need to be addressed by our healthcare providers, friends, family, the media and society. The list of different things we can be is endless. But we are all women, and we all get treated like shit by the society we live in because of that. Some of us have it worse than others. Trans women, by and large, actually have it pretty fucking terrible. Stop trying to push one group of us out into the cold just because of the body they were born with. We are all women.

I had actually intended this to be a short post where I would mainly just share some resources, but I guess I had a lot to rant about. Cis women have been pretty shit lately. Here are some excellent places you can go to hear female trans voices; it’s time we listened to them:

Katelyn Burns: writes for all kinds of different publications, is great on Twitter too.

Kat Blaque: Excellent Youtuber, tackles the important questions head on.

Riley J Dennis: Another great Youtuber, like Kat talks about lots of other topics as well.

Everyday Feminism: Great resource for being a better human all around and has some especially great articles by trans women.

The Establishment: An intersectional, political lifestyle website with fantastic articles by trans women.

Yoga and cultural appropriation

It’s almost impossible to cope in our narcissistic, capitalist, violent and fragmented society without something to help. For an ever-increasing number of people, that thing is yoga. And that’s great. Yoga is a wonderful thing to do – it helps with anxiety, stress, poor posture, flexibility, joint health and muscle tone, which in turn can help support your immune, digestive and even endocrine systems, as well as improve your patience, sleep and mood. But yoga also has a long, dark history of cultural appropriation and class exclusion. No one is saying that westerners should stop doing yoga (although they certainly could) because of this, especially if it already forms a part of our self-care routine. However, it is extremely important that we are educated about it, and that we take steps to ensure that our yoga is inclusive and respectful.

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If you practice yoga, you have almost certainly engaged in cultural appropriation of some kind. This video is the ideal starting point for learning about cultural appropriation in yoga, as well as this article on Everyday Feminism. It’s pretty much a certainty that all western yoga students have done something disrespectful, ignorant or arrogant at some point. It’s frustrating to hear, of course, whether because you feel guilty or because it’s inconvenient for you to acknowledge it, but either way, lets move on to some practical ways for you to be a better yoga practitioner!

Call it what it is. It’s difficult to know exactly what to do when you realise just how deep the issues of colonialism, religious oppression and cultural appropriation go. If I’m not spiritual, but yoga is, should I just say to people that I’m going to a ‘meditative stretching’ class? Of course I shouldn’t. The stretches are yogic stretches and if I call it ‘lying on my back in the dark’ instead of savasana, I’m erasing the fact that it was invented in India thousands of years ago. Learn about the ever-developing history of yoga, and keep in mind that yoga is founded on religious teachings. There is nothing wrong with learning lessons from different religions. But there is a lot wrong with benefitting from something and not knowing about, or giving credit to, the culture that created it. And if you are only engaging in the physical aspects, perhaps you could consider clarifying that when talking to your teachers, to give them the choice about if, and how to engage with you.

Two things growin outchea…. Aloe… and the yoga booty #SquatsNotShots Photo cred: @glorychildproductions

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Step away from the skinny white rich people. Western yoga is notorious for classism, racism and fat-shaming, and really doesn’t do well when it comes to inclusivity and acceptance. The fact that the most popular yoga instructors on instagram and youtube are white, skinny and able-bodied is sickeningly reflective of our society, and it needs to change, because that is not what yoga is about. Please stop following that tidal wave of brand-endorsed whiteness, or at least cut down. Instead, why not follow some of my faves: @biggalyoga@yogaplegic@nolatrees,  @daughteroftheuniverse, @mynameisjessamyn, @curvygirlmeetsyoga@justferd. It’s so important to show diverse bodies participating in yoga, because everyone deserves to benefit from it, and how will people know that yoga is for them if no one like them does it?

Join, or support, a more physically and financially inclusive yoga group. The relationship between yoga and money is complex, and an unfortunate by product of capitalism. But there are some things you can do. Practise yoga somewhere that makes an effort to be actively inclusive. People on low incomes, children with learning difficulties and pregnant women are almost certainly in need of the healing properties of yoga more than you, so support a group that supports them (unless you belong to one of those groups, in which case, here are some places you can go!) My suggestions are all based in London because I’m only one woman, but do your own research and I’m sure you’ll find one where you live too! Yogarise in Peckham do pay-what-you-can donation classes (so if you can’t afford Yoga you can donate a little, if you can afford yoga you can donate more). Donate to Special Yoga which is just about the most amazing idea I’ve ever seen. The West London Buddhist Centre does low cost and community classes. There’s pay-what-you-can yoga at the DIY Space for London where you can pay more so other people can pay a little, and St Margaret’s House in Bethnal Green does the same thing. Triyoga offers discounts to seniors, jobseekers and students, so if you are one you could sign up with the discount, and if you aren’t, sign up anyway so they can continue offering the discount to those that need it! And the Iyengar Yoga Institute is an incredible charity that offers free classes to pregnant women and kids, as well as being extraordinarily knowledgeable about the practise.

You're already stronger than you know, and it's not just about what it looks like. Photo by @mixtapedonthate

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Don’t perpetuate the show-off culture so prevalent in westernised yoga. Yoga is not a trend, it’s not cool and it’s not a sport. It is a culturally significant, physically challenging, deeply spiritual practice that should be approached responsibly and sombrely. Make sure that your attitude towards yoga is in line with the intentions of yoga. You aren’t better than someone else because you have expensive yoga pants, or because you pulled off a headstand on your first try. Be nice to everyone in your class, take steps to ensure you don’t make anyone feel embarrassed or self-conscious. In the UK for example, black women practicing yoga can often feel like outsiders. That’s not fair, or in line with the intentions of yoga. Obviously you shouldn’t be going up to women in your class saying ‘hey, you’re welcome here!’ but you could at least be nice to them and ensure that no one is being actively excluded.

Buy ethical or inexpensive yoga clothes/mats. You don’t actually need special yoga stuff (again, that’s not really in line with yogic intentions). But if you don’t have anything that can comfortably accommodate a warrior pose sequence, or the Lululemon yoga pants that you got when you didn’t know any better have sprouted an unfixable hole (hi, that would be me), then you need to get something from somewhere. It’s extremely difficult to find ethically made (or any, actually) yoga pants for less than £45, and most are £60-£70. This isn’t right, and if you’re financially unable to buy adapted yoga pants you shouldn’t feel like you can’t take part – all you need is a stretchy pair of leggings that you feel comfortable in, and a top that doesn’t ride up or fall down. You don’t need a £62 bra, £18 thong, £52 yoga mat or a £138 cardigan (yes, I just went on the Lululemon website to find all those…feel free to browse for a great lesson in white privilege…they sell a ‘namastay put’ thong. Seriously?) As for mats, well you don’t actually need one, but again the most ethical are the most expensive. If you can afford to spend £50 on a jute mat, get one, but if not, please don’t feel guilty about buying a £6.50 plastic one.

Yoga is not perfect, and neither is anyone who has been, or is, is involved in it. That’s kind of the point. No one is perfect and we’re always learning. You are benefitting from yoga, so you must take it seriously, treat it with respect and approach it with humility. Avoid explicitly capitalist behaviour like buying expensive clothes, or paying loads for classes in studios that only benefit themselves. There is a fantastic website called Decolonizing Yoga that you should definitely visit if you want to continue learning to be a better western yoga practitioner.